


Words of Revolution (Deleted Scenes

by infiniteworld8



Series: Words of Revolution ,  Alternate Ending (The Janus Directive) and  deleted scenes. [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Destroying Childhood Memories, Gen, Genocide, Secrets, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-09 16:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here's the deleted scenes from Words of Revolution. (A total of four scenes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The below scene is referenced in chapter 11 of Words of Revolution when Kirk mentions the footage from the Kelvin , Ponte made him watch. To anybody that possibly believes this mimics a real life counseling session I have this to say: Ponte is a very awful psychiatrist and should never be allowed to counsel anybody.

**Deleted scene : Kirk sees footage from the Kelvin and survivor's recounts of the incident.**

Kirk followed the tide of cadets from the mess hall; most were going to class or study hall. He was going to another place, his least favourite place: Ponte's office. The stuffy place was overfilled with ancient hard copies of books and odd sculptures and antiques. The walls were a drab brown with wood panelling and the whole place had the smell of musk and an old earth cologne called old spice. Kirk hated old spice, Frank had worn it. The chairs in the office were overlarge and genuine leather, they were quite expensive. Almost everything in Relik's office was a show of wealth. The man had numerous pictures of antique vehicles and when he had seen Kirk examining the photos he had remarked that 'he had a large collection of the vehicles."

The discussion of vehicles had of course been slowly changed to the car Kirk's father had owned, and the time Kirk had nearly killed himself driving it off a cliff. Questions of whether he had been suicidal then and whether he was now had followed. And the counselling session had of course culminated in more in depth discussions of Kirk's life and trying to connect almost all of his actions, past, present, and future to the _Kelvin._

Kirk hated the counselling sessions. Each session hadn't gotten better, it had only been worse. It wasn't helping him to relieve all the events of his past life. And Ponte seemed to take an almost perverse delight in provoking Kirk so he would say something, then he would continually question him on the comment until he said something else.

Kirk hesitated when he reached Ponte's office. His hand was poised above the old-fashioned wood door but he didn't knock. Finally he steeled himself and tapped his fist once on the door. He heard "come in "and entered.

Ponte looked up from where he was sitting at his desk reading a report of some sort written out on flimsies. The man took an antique set of reading glasses off and said "Hello James."

Kirk gritted his teeth and didn't reply. No matter how many times he had told Ponte in the harshest tones possible that he hated being called James the man persisted. It only made Kirk hate Ponte more. Only Frank had ever called him James on a regular basis.

Kirk slipped his bag off and slammed it on the floor. He took his usual seat and glared at Ponte. Ponte was unfazed. He came out from behind his desk and settled in a chair across from Kirk.

"What should we talk about today?"

"I don't know you tell me. You're the one with all the answers right?" Kirk said sarcastically.

Ponte arched his fingers and regarded Kirk thoughtfully. "Well we've discussed your family and your interactions with them; we've delved into your unhealthy expressions of anger. Today I think would be a good time to discuss what all these previous problems are related to the _Kelvin_."

"Whatever, you just love to talk about the f—king Kelvin don't you?" Kirk was disgusted with the whole situation.

Ponte ignored the comment and continued. "Mentioning the _Kelvin_ disturbs you because it reminds you of what you've lost, correct?"

"And the loss of your father changed your whole life." Ponte continued pretending he hadn't heard Kirk's previous remark. "Tell me James. Has anybody every told you that you have a remarkable resemblance to George Kirk, your father? Maybe you've even been mistaken for him a few times?"

Kirk didn't respond, but he remembered coming home sometimes and his mother would look at him with a happy look surprised look on her face for a few seconds then it would fade. _Like she was seeing someone she hadn't seen in a long time... someone who had died years earlier._ He remembered as a child seeing the start of a name that wasn't his own form on her lips before she caught herself and gave a fake smile, saying "Jimmy" instead. Kirk swallowed and tried not to think about how much pain his mother's actions had caused him as a child. He tried not to think about how much pain they still caused him.

Ponte wasn't discouraged by Kirk's lack of response. Their counselling sessions often were like this. Ponte speculated and Kirk was quiet except for a few sarcastic remarks until Ponte pushed him far enough to evoke a response.

"Maybe, your mother sometimes mistook you for your father and called you by his name or—"

Kirk had had enough. "It isn't any of your business how my mother felt about me. Yeah, I look like my father, but I'm not him! And everybody needs to shut the f—up about-" Kirk broke off realising he had just given Ponte what he wanted.

"You see there is anger wrapped up in any mention of the _Kelvin_ or your father. You need to find a way to change your thinking about the situation with the _Kelvin_ and in turn your father from a negative to a positive. " Ponte continued . " You need to stop being selfish and think of the many people who were saved by your father's sacrifice... and I have some material that will help..."

"Play Holo 356.2 please." Ponte said aloud addressing the Holo monitor sitting at a table across from them.

Kirk glanced at the Holo as a flare of light came from the machine and an image began to form. He asked "Is this supposed to be one of those damn videos they show in schools about, not getting angry and all that crap? " He added "Because if it is I'll tell you right now, you're wasting your time. No stupid sh—like that is going to convince me you shouldn't fight people who are asking for it or that f—king honesty is the best policy or whatever sh—you're trying to indoctrinate me with. "

"I think this footage will have a greater impact on you than you think."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Just watch James and tell me what you think afterwards." Ponte turned the volume up and Kirk saw that an image had formed. It was of a woman about 40's with a kind face and tired eyes. Kirk watched as the woman settled into a seat across from a man with a Starfleet uniform.

_The man said "Can you please state your name and rank for the record ma'am?"_

_The women answered. "Certainly, my name is Emalie Price, former ensign on the U.S.S Kelvin."_

Kirk glanced at Ponte, now he realised the psychiatrist's angle and resolved to give the man no satisfaction in his attempts to evoke a response.

_"Ms. Price can you detail what happened the day the U.S.S Kelvin was attacked and destroyed for the record please."_

_"I will Lieutenant. " She paused and took a sip of water that was sitting on a table near her then started. "The day we were attacked, I was in main Engineering. We were running a systems check. Standard Op nothing fancy, anyway on the bridge they must have heard a distress call or maybe they saw an anomaly on the sensors. I wasn't on the bridge, you understand, but there's a reason we ventured from our course..." Price continued detailing the events that had led up to when captain Robau left the ship._

_"And then we heard over the intercom, that the first officer Kirk was the acting Captain. I remember almost falling into the warp core when I heard Robau was killed. It was really scary. It was my first voyage out and the captain's killed. Engineering was chaos. We were trying to reroute power, seal hull breaches, move the wounded to sickbay. I felt like I was doing a million different things at once." Price paused her face was very pale._

_"Then it might have been minutes later , but it felt like hours, the order came to evacuate. The red alert lights were flashing, pressure sirens were sounding, screaming was everywhere and the cries of the wounded filled the air. Around engineering people were abandoning their posts, some stopped to help the wounded, most didn't. I grabbed a young woman I knew-she wasn't badly injured –just a broken arm and then we were running through the corridors trying desperately to make it to the evac shuttles in time. "_

_The woman stopped talking and took several deep breaths._

Kirk saw her dab her eyes before continuing.

_People were screaming. People were lying in the condors in pools of blood- a few had vacuum exposure—but-I-I didn't stop to help... There was no time." Her tone was almost pleading the interviewer to agree with her. He didn't respond and after a moment she continued. "We got to the evac shuttles and managed to get on. As I was boarding I saw a woman being wheeled into a shuttle and it looked like the first's officers wife. She was in labour."_

Kirk started at the mention of his mother.

_"The shuttle I was on took off. Within moments of taking off I heard the first officer's wife, I think her name was Winona. I heard the sounds of her giving birth and begging the pilot to stay and wait for her husband. I heard the sounds of the Captain's child taking its first breaths and the hurried conversation between captain Kirk and Winona..."_

Kirk leaned forward in his seat slightly. He had heard his father and mother's last conversation many times on documentaries and moves made of the incident but this woman's recount of the words was different. In the documentaries it had been different words, words about how he was doing this to save people and other patriotic phrases. It wasn't the recount that the woman told now.

_"... Then, they started discussing the child's name and I heard them decide on James—" Price gave a little laugh. "The woman, Winona had initially suggested Tiberius as the baby's name. Can you imagine being called Tiberius for your whole life?...Then I heard them saying to each other 'I love you, I love you' repeatedly and Kirk continued repeating it until the last time it was cut off and we all saw the Kelvin slam into the Narada. It was destroyed nobody could have survived.-Winona-she—she let out the most agonised cry I've ever heard."_

_Price was sobbing,. She dabbed her eyes and hiccupped for a minute or two before saying. "And the baby James Kirk was crying in the background. All I could think of was how his father George Kirk had died to save all of us. We slowly left the blast area and the baby's cries still echoed in my ears. I've always wondered what happened to that child..."_

_The interviewer said "Thank you Miss Price for sharing your experiences." The camera zoomed in on the interviewer and he said "This was Survivor # 493 Miss Emalie Price, former engineering ensign on the U.S.S Kelvin. Next survivor # 421 will tell us how it was in medical that—"_

Ponte paused the Holo and said "James, what are you feelings about what you just watched?"

Kirk took a moment before speaking. He was very disturbed by what he had watched. The way Price described his father last words and his mother's initial reaction to his death hurt. It hurt because, now that he was hearing the real words and not a Starfleet –sanitized version that was used for propaganda, he understood why his life had been as it had. His mother hadn't got over his father's death and his father hadn't been at all ready to die. It wasn't the sacrifice of a hero; it was the desperation of a man trying to save his wife and child. Age old guilt flared up as Kirk thought of his father dying to save him and he realized why his mother had always looked at him oddly it wasn't sadness completely that he had been seeing in her eyes. It was blame; she blamed him for his father dying.

His mother probably thought that maybe his father wouldn't have stayed on the bridge and been the one to try to destroy the _Narada_ if he hadn't wanted to make sure that his wife and son got away. Kirk knew he shouldn't have felt guilty about being born, but he did.

He felt as guilty as he had every time, his mother looked at him and he had known she was wishing he was someone else. He felt the same guilt he felt when she accidentally called him George. He felt the same guilt he had when he was younger and he had taken his brother's music player, borrowing it and breaking it. Sam had found the ruined device and angrily yelled "There you go again always messing stuff up, You ruined everything ever since the day you were born and dad stayed on that ship making sure you lived and he died leaving us to deal with mom and that a—hole Frank." Kirk had been five at the time and he had broken out into tears; Sam almost immediately apologized, as he realised what he had said. But it was too late Kirk finally knew how his brother felt. And he had never forgotten it.

Kirk didn't say any of what he was thinking instead he said calmly "It sounded like the _Kelvin_ bothered her alot ...maybe she should be the one in here getting counselling for it." He yawned and nonchalantly placed his arms behind his head.

Ponte pursed his lips and then turned the Holo back on. Kirk defiantly sat through twenty more recounts of the Kelvin. Many were more disturbing than Price's recount. Outwardly Kirk gave no sign that it was getting to him, but inside a torrent of emotions was threatening to overtake him.

When the holo finally finished Ponte turned to watch Kirk. Kirk's breathing had increased, his heart was thumping uncomfortably against his ribs and he could tell his face was pale, but when Ponte asked again "How did that footage make you feel?" Kirk didn't let his voice betray him.

"I feel like those crew had a tough time but they really need to get over it." Kirk continued flippantly "That was a long time ago very few people died on the Kelvin and they only were in that ' _Awful situation'_ for an hour-hour and a half tops. They didn't have to deal with something like that for months like, I—"Kirk broke off realizing he was saying too much.

Ponte missed the broken off start of a sentence and instead asked about Kirk's first comment. "Why would they have had to deal with it for months? What did you mean by that?"

"I was just saying some people had to deal with worse for a lot longer. And I can't bring myself to feel—"

"Feel sorry for them? Feel empathy for their situation?"

Kirk didn't respond, but Ponte took his silence as agreement. He continued "James to truly understand somebody you have to see their circumstances. And with this next Holo we'll do just that." Ponte turned to the Holo and said "Please play Holo 346."

Kirk watched as more images formed. _This one was of a ship's corridor. People jogged down it, red alert lights were flashing and sirens could be heard, but the seeming chaos wasn't fazing the crew. They were orderly. Their movements were purposeful with no hints of panic. Minutes passed and he saw what he had realized now was the crew of the Kelvin , react to Robau's death and the situation becoming more dire._

The footage Ponte had was from cameras throughout the _Kelvin_ and Kirk briefly wondered how he had gotten a hold of it. Then he remembered Renfield had probably given the man access to assist him in counselling Kirk.

_A section of corridor was breached and metal shards flew inward decapitating an ensign who had moments earlier been assisting in evacuating an injured crewman. The people helping him had a second to be shocked at his twitching body and the widening puddle of blood before they along with it were sucked into the cold depths of space. The camera switched to an impromptu triage centre in one of the rec rooms, people were lying there moaning and crying, and bleeding to death as medical personnel struggled to stabilize them._

_The camera switched to engineering. Sparks were flying and dead and injured engineering personnel littered the decks. Their comrades who were too busy trying to save everybody else couldn't stop to help them._

_Scene after scene flashed by. Each was filled with blood, death, smoke and screaming._

The screaming bothered Kirk the most. He tried closing his eyes but the visceral noise was getting to him. He didn't care that he was giving Ponte what he wanted. He couldn't keep the horror from his voice as opened his eyes and whispered "Please turn it off."

Ponte shook his head. "You need to see this."

"I –I know what happened on the Kelvin was serious but I can't watch anymore. I can't. Turn it off."

"You need to watch this to understand why your father's sacrifice was so important. He wasn't leaving you he was giving these people a chance at life." Ponte gestured toward the Holo and Kirk glanced at the screen and immediately regretted it as he saw a console blow apart badly burning and killing a young woman. He wrenched his gaze away.

"I understand what you're saying, but turn it off" Kirk all but begged, the screaming was bringing back memories of other screams long ago. Kirk's face was twisted in an effort to keep the memories at bay.

Ponte was unmoved. "The emotions you're experiencing are good you need to work them out."

Flashes of memories were twisting and mixing the present. Kirk screwed his eyes up but they were coming faster and faster. Glimpses of long –dead faces, snatches of conversation, sounds of destruction. _He had to get out._ Kirk's eyes snapped open. He moved out his seat toward the door on unsteady legs. The door wouldn't open. Kirk desperately banged a fist against it and wrenched at the handle, it still wouldn't open. Ponte said from behind him. "You can't get away from this James"

Kirk turned around and started toward the psychiatrist with a wild look in his eyes. "Y-you let me ou—" Kirk broke off as a loud scream pierced the air this one was both in his mind and the Holo. He glanced at the Holo and saw a crewmember dragging a woman away from the body she was kneeling next to, the screaming didn't stop. Kirk sank to his knees and put his hands over his ears muffling the noise from the Holo but allowing the noise in his mind to be heard clearly. His war to not go back, to where the images and sounds from the Holos were wrenching him was lost . The screaming was filling his mind, drowning him in memories and he surrendered.

... _A trussed Thessian woman was screaming as one of Kodos' troops dragged her child from her arms and three other soldiers raised their weapons towards the small child. Her husband who was badly beaten struggled to his knees, as best he could with the restraints on his limbs. The man yelled "Leave him alone."_

_"Shut up." One of the soldiers struck the man, momentarily dazing the alien. He also swung his rifle at the woman catching her in the ribs. Kirk heard the audible sound of them breaking, and the woman's cries subsided somewhat. The man raised himself up with dark gray blood trickling form a cut near his eye and said " Kill me , but leave my son and my wife, you have no reason to hurt them."_

_"We have an order, that's reason enough. I'm not risking my own family to help you." The solider said harshly but he looked troubled. He glanced at the other soldiers and the alien heard him say quietly "Maybe just this once we could—" The rest of the words were too low to hear._

_Finally one of other soldiers turned from the conversation and said in a disgruntled voice "This idiot here wants to let you go. I say kill you but here's what we'll do." The man dropped the little boy and walked over to the alien he quickly cut the restraints and dragged the thin alien man to his feet. "Your race is supposed to be one of the fastest in the galaxy right? I always wanted to see. You've got—" He checked his chronometer. "Five to get out of weapon range, if you're gone then I'll let you and them go. If not you all die."_

_The alien man was trembling Kirk saw him glance between the soldiers and his family frantically like he didn't believe them. The soldiers snickered at the alien's fear and the one who had given the offer said "You remember how fast they said these f—kers run? Think it's true?"_

_Most of the other soldiers laughed and one said "I don't know Luzru but there's only one way to find out." The soldier gave the Thessian man a vicious kick. "Get grey skin."_

_The man took one last look at his family then he took off running. Kirk held his breath watching the alien man and silently urging him on. The man never had a chance._

_The soldier, who had first made the proposal, Luzru, raised his rifle when barely a minute had elapsed. His friends behind him laughed as he calmly took aim and shot the alien in the back of his head._

_The man's wife began screaming again as she saw what had happened. She screamed as they took her son again and shot him also. She continued screaming as the soldiers went to her and focused their attentions on her for almost an hour. She screamed until they finally killed her. And Kirk was ashamed to finally feel relieved when he heard a shot and her cries ceased. He couldn't take the screaming and no matter what he did he couldn't prevent it from filtering past the fingers he had stuffed in his ears to drown out the soldiers' coarse talk and her screams..._

_... Kirk crouched on the floor struggling to hold down the leg of a delirious child. The boy had woken moments before. Sevek's nerve pinch wasn't enough to keep the child out for long while Carla did her best to amputate the leg quickly. Two other kids were holding down the thrashing boy's upper body. As Carla cut, the coppery smell of blood filled the air. The child, who had been doing his best to be quiet, because somewhere in his hallucinating mind he remembered noise was death, lost the fight._

_The boy yelled so loud Kirk was sure he could be heard miles away. The screams grew louder and more agonising. Even the hand that was clamped over the boy's mouth wasn't enough to muffle the yells. Sweat dripped down Kirk's nose, even though the air was cool. He felt himself growing dizzy but he shook his head, he couldn't afford to be weak. He had to get through this, he couldn't run away. Kirk forced himself to continuing holding the boy down. He wished the feverish boy would pass out, but the cries only grew louder..._

_...He was too far away to do anything and even if he did he would be caught and suffer the same fate. People were led out the building and lined up in a courtyard, men, women, and children. Kirk saw one little girl clutching a dirty toy animal. A soldier ripped it from her grasp and trampled it on the ground. The little girl stared at her toy, but didn't make a sound she was too terrified._

_More and more people filed out. Some were crying, most were silent. A few resisted. The troops causally beat back the offenders and when the group was assembled. The soldiers lined up surrounding the group of people._

_Kirk was shaking as he watched the soldiers' raise their weapons in one precise movement. Somebody screamed and others followed. People tried to run. The soldiers opened fire and the next moments were filled with weapon fire and –screams. Blood curdling, terrified screams that were unforgettable. Screaming, visceral sounds that—_

"James, James?"

Somebody was calling his name...but the only person who called him that was Frank. The remnants of screams were still filtering thorough his mind. Kirk felt somebody slapping his face and wondered was Frank trying to wake him up after knocking him unconscious. Kirk blindly pushed the arm away and tried to move out the way. He snapped his eyes open and saw Ponte's bulging face leaning over him.

He didn't know who the psychiatrist was at first. He panicked and violently shoved the man's arms away as he tried to keep him from rising. "G-get a-away." Kirk gasped. He couldn't get to his feet. He stumbled and tripped his body was shaking. He scooted away from Ponte and bumped into a table sending a pitcher of cold water cascading down drenching him.

The cold water shocked him bringing him back to himself enough to remember where he was. He looked around and realised he was in a psychiatrist's office. He remembered the hearing the Holo and then apparently he had passed out. He slowly raised himself to his feet and a surge of dizziness passed through him. Kirk unsteadily moved toward his seat and dropped into it.

Ponte returned to his seat and Kirk was disgusted to see an almost satisfied expression on his face. Ponte said "Interesting. You seem to find this footage as disturbing as someone that's actually been in this situation."

Kirk didn't say anything. He was too focused on slowing down his breathing. Screams were echoing in his mind

Ponte continued. "It's something rarely seen in a close friend or family member of a person who has suffered a traumatic incident. The family or friend reacts to certain stimuli in a similar manner as the person who actually experienced the incident."

Ponte took a sip of water and said "It's an interesting phenomenon. A way to understand it is to think a when a husband may sometimes experience some of the same odd symptoms as his pregnant wife, even morning sickness or food cravings..."

Kirk raised a trembling hand and brushed his damp, lank hair from his brow. He didn't feel good. He wondered if Ponte would let him go now, so he could lie down. Then he decided he didn't want to lie down, if he did he might fall asleep and then he would dream.

Ponte was asking him another question. "Tell me James. Did watching this footage bring any images specific images to mind for you?"

Kirk took a deep breath. He felt confused by what he had seen, Ponte's question caught him off guard and the thought of lying didn't even come to his mind. "There was screaming, everywhere. People were dying. T-their bodies were falling—o-one by one. I-I didn't want to watch, b-but I did. The little girl landed next to her toy...People were running over her. T-They were trampling her as they tried to escape." Kirk stopped speaking. His lunch was doing somersaults in his stomach as he recounted the imagery.

"You weren't even old enough to see these events on the _Kelvin_ , but your mind has apparently manufactured them like you were there in response to subconscious guilt. Do you feel this is a possibility?" Ponte asked leaning forward.

"What? Yeah—Yeah." Kirk said . He wasn't listening to Ponte he was trying to forget. "Look, c-can I go?" Kirk asked as his stomach did another flip-flop.

Ponte ignored the question and said "Your response is interesting. I've only read about somebody like you before. Of course it's possible that you have these problems because you may be more susceptible to mental illness. Did any of your family have ..."

Kirk tasted his turkey sandwich from lunch in the back of his mouth and repeated "Unlock the door, I need to go to the bathroom."

Ponte looked like he might refuse, but Kirk had stood and was swaying slightly. His face was greyish. Ponte glanced at the expensive rug on his floor and then at Kirk who was swallowing repeatedly. The psychiatrist said quickly "You may leave, we'll pick this up before your next class." He pressed a button on a control near his chair.

Kirk almost ran to the door. He left the office, but he didn't make it to the bathroom. Halfway there acid filled his mouth and he veered off to a nearby disposal chute and was sick. His stomach emptied all its contents, until he was spitting up saliva and bile and still his abdomen contracted painfully. He straightened up moments later and washed his mouth out at a water fountain. He drank a few sips, sat down on a bench, and placed his head in his hands.

It was becoming too much, the daily counselling sessions weren't helping they were hurting a lot. It seemed like almost every session with Ponte the man found some way to bring up back memories of Tarsus IV. Kirk couldn't help wondering sometimes whether the psychiatrist knew he was a Tarsus 9 and was deliberately torturing him. But he realised Ponte was sadistic and the man was like everybody else on campus. They all were clueless and thought they had the answers. They thought they knew how to help him, but they didn't. What he needed wasn't counselling or anger management lessons. It wasn't pity. Or people pretending to understand him. What he needed was for everybody to stop discussing Tarsus IV and bringing back memories of it so he could forget.

Kirk raised his head and tried to still his trembling hands. He stared at a small oddly shaped scar on his palm and remembered how he had gotten the scar.

Kirk quickly went to the disposal chute again as another memory flashed into his mind and he threw up. Kirk was still coughing up the sticky mixture of bile and water he had drank when he heard "Jim?"

He glanced around and saw McCoy walking towards him. A flare of anger rushed through him at the sight of his once friend. McCoy was the reason he had to spend over an hour each day remembering events he had done his best to forget. McCoy was the reason he had memories swarming through his mind of events that he hadn't thought about for months.

He was angry at McCoy for finding him like this and for making him get a psych eval in the first place. Kirk straightened up and wiped a sleeve across his mouth and running nose. McCoy repeated "Jim.?" He took in his friend's appearance and added " You look awful." and reached out to touch him.

Kirk flinched and pushed McCoy's hand away and said "Leave me alone!"

“What’s going on?"

Kirk didn't answer. He glared at McCoy and then mumbled "nothing" and started to turn away.

McCoy halted his motion by placing a hand on his shoulder and said "Jim, what—"

Kirk pulled away from McCoy and then turned back to the doctor and snarled. "Don't touch me! Don't ask me another question! And don't say my name again. Or I'll make it the last thing you ever do!"

McCoy's arm fell back abruptly as he aborted his attempt to make contact with Kirk. He took a half-step backward, utterly startled at the younger man's tone.

Kirk and McCoy stared at each other. Then without a word Kirk turned and walked back to Ponte's office, not because he wanted to go back to the psychiatrist's office. But because he knew if he didn't come back, Ponte would either call Renfield to report him for not attending his mandatory counselling as ordered or he would call security and have them escort Kirk back to his office. Kirk had no desire to experience the indignity of either.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This scene was deleted because it didn't really fit...but here it is. It was reference in chapter 9 of WOR in these lines of dialogue:
> 
>  
> 
> “What kind of question is that? Do I have a death wish? Of course I don’t.”
> 
> “Then why do you keep doing this. You’re picking fights at random, carousing all night, doing any reckless behaviour you can think of. A day ago I heard you almost crashed while illegally racing an air skimmer.”
> 
> Kirk didn’t deny it. “How did you find out about that?”
> 
> “One of the people you hang out with is the brother of a doctor I know.”
> 
> “Hmm, small world” Kirk responded carelessly as he examined his dislocated fingers
> 
> Translations of any Orion or Romulan phrases are provided in the end notes.

 

The classes at the academy had become particularly trying, but it wasn’t the coursework that was getting to Kirk. It was having to hold in all his anger as he listened to numerous cadets twisted spins on Relik’s assignment. Once the last class for the day was finished Kirk had left campus, evading McCoy who seemed intent on following him surreptitiously. He hadn’t even bothered to get a pass as he has put on civilian clothes and slipped through the Academy gates. The emotions roiling through his mind begged for release.

Kirk had ventured from bar to bar each establishment becoming progressively seedier. Kirk had drunkenly begun flirting with one of the girls at the latest bar. The place had been filled with what was obviously a gang and the girl was even more obviously with another one of the guys in the gang. Kirk didn’t care. In fact if he didn’t get the girl he might get a fight. Either way it was a win in his opinion. As Kirk brashly continued flirting with the girl all the patrons in the bar had turned to watch. Kirk finally sealed his own fate by trying to give the girl a kiss, and then it was on.

All the people in the bar were tough, and they looked like it. They had the appearance of people who if you looked at the wrong way you wouldn’t be doing so again.  A group of three guys had surrounded Kirk seeing him as an easy mark. As they drew knives, Kirk calmly finished his drink then broke the bottle he was holding into a sharp shard. He waited for them to make the first move and when they did so he responded in kind. The fight ending with six guys bleeding across the floor and three others clutching various broken bones, Kirk had also managed to pick the pockets of all nine assailants without breaking a sweat. He went to order another drink when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He had swung around intending bashing the face of whoever it was in.

As he grabbed the hand and started to break the fingers, a voice said “Calm down Kirk,” He found himself staring into a familiar face it took a moment for him to figure out who the long-haired slightly greenish faced man was.

Then he remembered two years ago stealing from a cargo freighter and saving the other man from an untimely end after he had become in debt to a group of Nausican pirates. The man’s name was Te’ael, he was suspected by many of being half-Romulan and he was noted for being incredibly reckless, but also a bit idiotic in his criminal enterprises. Kirk glanced at the man and said irritably “How’s it going Te’ael still getting into scrapes and being a stupid shit?”

A burly man standing nearby shifted and glared at Kirk threateningly. Kirk noticed the man and glanced back at Te’ael. “What’s with the meathead? Want to tell him to piss off or still not comfortable with having some balls?” Kirk took a gulp of his drink and winced as he swallowed the sharp liquor in one gulp. He set the glass back down. Te’ael hadn’t said a word. The burly man standing near flexed his muscles and Kirk thought there might be another fight. He was enthralled with the thought.

Abruptly Te’ael laughed, and glanced back at the burly man. “That’s Gladr. He thinks of himself as a body guard but to tell you the truth he’s a nuisance.” Te’ael gestured for the man to go. Gladr walked a short distance away clearly surprised his boss was taking Kirk’s insults in the way he was.

Kirk sucked down another drink and turned to find Te’ael staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing, I’m just wondering what’s gotten into you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk.”

“Then you haven’t seen me long.” Kirk said knocking back a shot glass of what looked like clear liquid and tasted like water but was an incredibly potent liquor and reaching for another drink.

Te’ael appeared concerned. “I take it things haven’t gone well for you since I saw you last?”

“You can say that.” Kirk rolled his shoulders then turned to Te’ael and before the half-Romulan could speak to him said “Enough questions about me. What’s the deal with you?”

Te’ael appeared about to ask Kirk something else then decided against it. “My fortunes have turned since in the past. Last year I made six million credits.”

“None of it was legal of course.”

“Of course not. Why worry yourself with legality when there’s a profit to be made. “Te’ael took a sip of a drink he had ordered then said “The rumour is that you’ve joined the dark side.”

“Huh?”

“Starfleet. I heard you joined the academy.”

Kirk shrugged not denying it.

Te’ael stared at him then laughed “it’s true Kirk’s a fucking peace keeper now, I guess I better worry about you reporting me now right?”

“Not really.” Kirk muttered

“You’re not that happy with the academy? “ Kirk didn’t speak but his face answered the question. Te’ael continued. “My friend you’re not suited for the straight and narrow. Come spend the night with us and maybe you’ll decide to rethink your allegiances.”

Kirk took a sip of his drink and said after a minute of thought “Who’s us?”

“You saw that ten million in illegal substances was lost from Los Angeles evidence lock-up a few weeks ago and they don’t know what happened?”

Kirk sighed and said “Let me guess you had something to do with that.”

Te’ael nodded. “Right, Kirk. Easiest ten million credits ever.”

“So you made sure to remove the subspace transponders they had implanted as nano particles in the packaging right?” Kirk took a sip of his drink and watched as Te’ael’s face turned a sickly pale whitish-green.

“Uh, that would be a—“

“Problem” Kirk finished knowingly. He gave a wicked grin. “Yeah it would be if Los Angeles authorities were smart enough to do that.”

“Aehf!” Te’ael said and glared at Kirk, but there was a hint of humour in his features.

“I’ve been call worse.” Kirk chuckled.

“Aehf!” Te’ael repeated then said. “I see some things haven’t changed with you, still like a joke at other people’s expense.”

“Most people don’t believe everything I say Te’ael. Honestly if you want to make the big time you need to be a little less gullible.”

“You haven’t been listening to a thing I said have you?” Te’ael continued. “I’ve already hit the big time you’re looking at the head of one of the biggest groups operating outside of the legal constraints in Los Angeles.”

“You’re the head of a gang?” Kirk said sceptically. “Who would follow you?” Then Kirk let his face brighten like he had figured out something. “Never mind. You mentioned you had some money right? So you bought some slaves and you call them your gang.”

“Because you’re a friend Kirk I won’t cut your throat for the repeated insults.”

Kirk shrugged “Okay, if you want to say that’s the reason, but I know it’s because I could kick your ass without breaking a sweat.”

“Ignoring what you just said...” Te’ael took a swallow of his drink and said. “I’m the head of the Reapers.”

“Hmm isn’t that the gang that was involved in a bunch of petty crimes last year?”

“We’re in the big time now Kirk. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“Okay. Okay I believe you.” Kirk grinned at seeing how irate Te’ael was. Then he glanced away as somebody else caught his eye. It was a girl with pale green hair and ebony skin with white vein like lines laced across her skin. “Who’s she?”

Te’ael followed Kirk’s gaze realising Kirk wasn’t listening to him and said. “She’s with us.”  Kirk gave a low whistle as he watched her.  He glanced back at Te’ael “You know her?”

“Yeah, that's what I was going to tell you when you started salivating. She works with us, one of the best pilots in this side of the alpha quadrant.”

Kirk watched her a little longer than said gulped down the rest of his drink and went to introduce himself.  He had stood up when Te’ael grasped his arm. “Not so fast . She’s not a quick catch. If you bother her you’ll wind up on the floor missing a valuable part of your anatomy as she walks right past you.”

“I like a challenge.”

“I don’t think you understand this. She’s a _hatham_ “

 

“And I’m a _hnoiyika. Ssuej-d’ifv_?”Kirk said fluently, before giving Te’ael a grin and walking off.

Te’ael shook his head and watched as Kirk sauntered off and drunkenly started flirting with the young woman. After a few moments his friend trailed back dejectedly.

“Well how did it go?”

“Not good she’s stiffer than a certain linguist I know.”  Kirk watched her wistfully then added “She said she has somewhere to go tonight, some kind of place everybody is hanging out at.”

“We’re going to the Grand Canyon. There was a little bet made to see who could break the record for Devil’s pass. If I remember correctly you always were a pretty good pilot. You’re welcome to come.”

“I’m kind of busy.”

“Doing what?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Kirk said as he downed a shot. He added. “Plus, I have classes in the morning.”

“Starfleet has really done a job on you. The Kirk I knew would be right up for an adventure not hanging in a sleazy bar drinking alcohol that a granny could tolerate and caring about going to classes.”

Kirk slammed the shot glass down on the counter and glared at Te’ael. The half-Romulan continued. “Come on lighten up Kirk. Come along unless you think you would lose and... she’ll be there.” He nodded his head toward the alien woman.

Kirk deliberated; he could stay there and get massively drunk, possibly start a few more reckless fights or he could go with them still get massively drunk, recklessly race and possibly get a girl. The choice was obvious to him. Kirk took a sip from a fresh drink that had been brought to him then said. “Fine I’ll come.”

XXXX XXXX

Kirk didn’t regret his decision as he pulled the woman closer and kissed her more intensely. He slipped his hands from the small of her back down further. It was the young woman from the bar. After ignoring him and skilfully deflecting his attempts at getting to her something had changed and she had made the next move.  He didn’t even remember her name; she had told him it some time ago but at the moment it didn’t matter.  He didn’t even know who she was really but that was fine with him and apparently her also, he thought as she pressed closer to him and pulled his face nearer to hers.

It was the middle of the night. Kirk was standing on a ledge in the Grand Canyon. Nearby on the same ledge various air skimmers and hover bikes were parked along with at least thirty other people, male and female. The people were busy tinkering with the vehicles, imbibing intoxicating illegal and legal substances, or making out. A few were engaged in a combination of all three activities. The majority of them had one or more tattoos, piercings, body colorations, and clothes that were intentionally intimidating. Most of the people openly had weapons, disruptors, knives, and the occasional phaser.  There was loud pounding music playing as people laid bets and prepared for the upcoming race.

Kirk surfaced for air and stared at the small alien woman pressed against him. He ran a hand through her pale green hair and then brought his hand down trailing a finger over her neck tracing the spidery white lines that veined her ebony skin.  There was no way she could remotely pass for anything but an alien, but Kirk didn’t care. Some people may have been prejudiced against aliens but he wasn’t people one of those people. Human and other species were pretty much the same; anybody who thought different was a fool or hadn’t seen the truth like Kirk had: They all lived and.... _they all died._ Kirk dismissed the melancholy thought by burying his head in the alien woman’s hair and breathing in her scent allowing it to take away the guilt he felt.

He leaned past her and grabbed a bottle of liquor from the ground. He swallowed the last dregs in the bottle and dropped the empty container on the ground. Kirk whispered something in the alien woman’s ear. In response to his words she kissed him deeply and Kirk reciprocated. He pulled her tighter to him and she slipped her arms around his neck. He scooped her up and was surprised to find how light she was. She was still kissing him as Kirk moved toward the dark cave intending to take her where they could be alone.

Before he could step underneath the dark overhang a voice rang out. “Hey, Kirk comes here.”

Kirk didn’t move. The voice, which Kirk recognised as Te’ael called again. “Seriously get over here.”

Kirk reluctantly set the woman down and walked over to where a group of people had gathered near the edge of the ledge. He an irritated voice he began “What’s going on that you—“ He broke off the question as Te’ael pointed skyward at a orange streak of what looked like fire coming towards them.  The crowd was silent but Kirk watched people draw weapons as the group drew nearer.  Kirk heard Te’ael mutter “ _seikkea kllhe_ ”.

 

The orange streak across the sky was one of the ways a popular gang liked to announce themselves. The gang was called _Diabloskar_ or roughly translated from the two languages the name had come from House of the Devils. _Diabloskar_ was well known and yet not. One branch was basically a melange of criminals who dealt in relatively petty crimes, selling stolen shuttles, illegally dealing in liquors and other substances. The other branch was the one that gave the group a fearsome reputation to go along with its name. That branch was responsible for assassinations, kidnappings, selling intelligence, mercenary work and until a while back one of the biggest trafficking rings of sentient beings in the galaxy. Kirk knew the leader of the gang and knew why the _Diabloskar_ had decided to make an appearance so far out of their home territory.

The entire group of Reapers were tensed Te’ael included, but Kirk wasn’t nervous at all. It wasn’t only because he was half-drunk and really didn’t care what happened to him it was also because in his travels he had met a lot worse than the gang.

The orange streak caused by the coloured exhaust came closer and as it did  Kirk watched over twenty vehicles began to descend towards them. Within seconds the vehicles landed kicking up a dusty cloud. The dust was enough to set a few people coughing but it didn’t disguise the appearance of the _Diabloskar_. Kirk saw that the members looked like he remembered them. Most had skin that was either dyed a different colour or naturally so. Several had modified their bodies so that metal piercings including spikes protruded and all of them had large weapons and from the way they longingly fingered them Kirk knew they were perfectly willing to use them.

A man at the front of the group got off a hoverbike. A blue-haired woman was clinging to him slavishly. The man brushed her aside as his eyes swept the crowd before settling with recognition on Kirk. Kirk shifted at the man’s stare but didn’t look away.

The man’s name was Idira. He had numerous tattoos covering one side of his face and a single lock of hair with metal studs protruding from his skull on either side. His skin was a pale green and he was rumoured by many to be part Orion, half-Hispanic.

Kirk had been involved with the man’s business a few years prior until he had found out what he had gotten involved with and then it had been too much for even him to continue. He had hatched a plan that in the end resulted in _Diabloskar_ losing several hundreds of thousands credits as well as over 500 aliens and humans they were trafficking. In the process Idira had also lost his girlfriend (was it Kirk’s fault if she preferred somebody that didn’t beat her everyday and treat her like a concubine or loan her out to other people for rent?)

Te’ael scowled at Idira and said flatly “You need to move your group out of here or we’ll make you leave.”

Idira appeared surprised that somebody was actually challenging him, but lazily replied “You could try” before turning away from the half-Romulan and back to Kirk.

He continued speaking to Te’ael but staring at Kirk. “ We didn’t come to bother with you petty _payasos._ ” Kirk glanced at Te’ael and was happy the half-Romulan apparently didn’t speak Spanish or a fight would have surely have broken out at Idira’s words. Idira added. “It’s him I want.”

Kirk felt everybody turn to glance at him in surprise. Then Te’ael said “If you want one of us you want all of us and you’re not getting anything without a fight.”

“Trust me _Muni_ you don’t want to be involved in this. “ Te’ael bristled visibly at the Orion insult but before he could speak Idira said. “You’re a child compared to my operation.  What is it worth a quarter of a million credits at most? Mine is almost three billion credits and growing and Kirk…owes me a lot of money.”

Idira took a step forward and said “And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to collect my money. It would be wise not to stand in the way.” There was rustling among the _Reapers_ and Kirk saw many people fingering their weapons or increasing the settings. He noticed the _Diabloskar_ were calmly watching like they were waiting for a signal. Kirk had no desire to witness the bloodbath that was about to happen if he didn’t intervene. He walked forward a few steps distancing himself from the _Reapers_ and smiled easily as he said “Still holding a grudge Idira.”

Idira clenched his jaw and his eyes flashed with anger. Kirk remembered how poorly the man contained his emotions. Kirk continued “You sure this is about money or are you not still angry about Kali liking me better than you?” He spread his arms out and added “I mean I can’t help it if she’d rather me to you, who looks like somebody stuck nails through your skull and you had an unfortunate accident with some green paint not coming off. “ Kirk grinned even wider and said guilelessly “Can’t we all just get along?”

  There was a small ripple of laughter from both groups which was quickly subdued. Idira snarled furiously “You may be laughing now but in a few minutes there won’t be anything funny.”

“Why you going to punish me? You and your big bad army?” Kirk asked.

“I’m going to make you see the error of your ways. You can’t just steal from people and expect to get away with it.”

“It’s a good thing I didn’t steal then huh? I was merely returning things back to their rightful owners.  And as far as I know you can’t own people.” Kirk stuck his hands in his pockets and added. “Plus it would be kind of hard for me to pay you back I don’t keep half a million credits in my pockets.”

Idira grinned in a sick way and Kirk saw the man’s teeth had been replaced by gleaming metal filed to points. “After all this time credits won’t do anyway. I want you blood. And I will get it.”

“You sure about that?”

“Perfectly, or every man and woman with you will die. No matter what they think they can do to stop it.”

Kirk glanced behind and noticed the _Reapers_ didn’t look worried in the slightest, but that was because they didn’t know the _Diabloskar_  like he did. Kirk knew first hand and he couldn’t forget the mutilated bodies and sick, twisted ways they killed people.

Idira was continuing. “I will take every woman here and use them for myself before killing them and every male will have his head mounted on a post and they will die slowly while you watch. Then I will kill you slowly also, I will make you beg to die. I will crush you _cojones_ in my fist and listen as you scream like a _mujer_ then I will –“

Idira continued talking. Kirk didn’t doubt the man’s words. Idira would do just as he said. He wet his lips and answered. “That all sounds pretty bad. I’m afraid truly I am. But what’s all this about touching my junk? That’s totally not cool. I always suspected you were a _mariquita_ ,now everybody just heard the proof.” Kirk pulled out a disruptor. “Second what makes you think I’m going to let you do this?”

Idira raised a hand halting several members of his group which had been about to fire on Kirk. One man disregarded the signal and continued raising his weapon; Kirk shot him in the knee and then ducked as a blast of disruptor fire aimed for his head sizzled past and scorched the cliffside.  Idira turned to the moaning man on the ground that had disobeyed the order and shot him in the head, before giving the body a kick sending it tumbling over the ledge.

There was nervous rustling from both groups at Idira’s actions. Kirk wrenched his gaze away from where the body had tumbled and spoke. “You want me but we both know if there’s a fight you’ll wind up losing a lot of your people. It’ll be a fucking bloodbath. Hell, I might get killed in the fray depriving you of your chance for revenge. There’s a simpler way to all this.”

Idira licked his lips and fingered his disruptor then asked. “You’d come on your own?”

“Of course not. I might not care about much but I have no desire to die at the hands of a psychotic murderer.”  Idira’s gang shifted angrily but the half-Orion man quieted them with a glance. Kirk continued. “What I’m saying is I’ll give us both a fifty-fifty chance. I win I go free, you walk away. I lose. I come with you no fight; you can do whatever you want.”

Idira cocked a head. “What do your purpose? Something stacked in your favour?”

Kirk shrugged. “No I’ll be fair. How about an air skimmer race? You know Devil’s Pass about four miles from here?”

Idira nodded slightly.

“We’ll race the stretch. You’ve always talked about being the best pilot so this should be easy for you.”

Devil’s pass was a five mile stretch with barely enough room for a hoverbike race let alone an air skimmer. Cliffsides jutted out, the course had crazy twists and turns and at the speeds they would be going it was an almost suicidal race, but Kirk didn’t care. Devil’s pass had been a popular place for illegal racing for many years. Countless people had died trying to break the record for the fastest person to race the stretch. For almost twenty five years the time had remained the same. Kirk knew Idira wouldn’t be able to resist the challenge, both because the man was addicted to thrills and he wouldn’t be able to back down without looking like a coward.

Kirk added the icing to the cake with “unless you’re afraid.”

Idira smiled a feral smile and said “You just dug your own grave Kirk, but I accept.”

 A ripple raced through the crowd and bets and discussion soon broke out. Kirk heard insane wagers being bet on both him and Idira.

“Ten minutes, then we’re going.” Idira said before he and his gang retreated to one side of the ledge to prepare for the upcoming race.

As soon as they were out of earshot Te’ael said “you shouldn’t have done that. Idira can’t do anything and he will cheat. He’s not a probl—“

“He’s more of a problem than you know.” Kirk said cutting off his friends words and staring him directly in the eye he let the half-Romulan man see the truth in his eyes as he said. “You haven’t seen what he’s willing to do.”

Te’ael frowned and he was about to speak when a  man a little younger than Kirk ran up and tossed him an ignition chip. “Here take this one.” He jerked his head toward a sleek black air skimmer with a decal of trailing flames on the side.  “Just don’t lose or you’ll owe me from the grave. I’m betting on you.” Kirk nodded at the young man and watched as he walked off.  Kirk turned to stare at the air skimmer. He didn’t feel nervous in fact he felt exhilarated as he always did before he had yet another brush with death that might be his last. The thought of dying didn’t scare him; a small part of him welcomed it. He walked over and slipped into the vehicle enjoying the feel of the controls under his hands.

Te’ael noticed the excitement in Kirk’s eyes. From the time he had spent with the Kirk he recognized the mood that had come over him. “Be careful don’t—“

His words were lost as the woman Kirk had been making out earlier with climbed into the vehicle and seetled herself on Kirk’s lap. Kirk stopped listening to his friend as he felt her warm weight. He was unprepared for her to grip his head in her hands as she kissed him so deeply it was like they were one person. She pressed her body to his and he felt the contours of her shape through the thin cloth separating them. His body was starting to respond to the stimuli, but he drew back from the kiss more than a tad regretfully.

He needed to concentrate. “Can you take a rain check?” he asked the woman.

She nodded and responded. “You’ll be careful? Devil’s pass is—“

“You think I‘d get killed when I have all this waiting for me.” Kirk trailed a hand down from her face across her body. “I’d have to come back for you from the grave.”

The woman opened her mouth to speak but a siren rent the air. Kirk gently pushed her from the vehicle as he recognized the signal the race was about to start.

“It’s time.” Somebody said rather unnecessarily. Kirk slid the door shut and slipped the ignition chip into the vehicle taking a visceral pleasure in the feeling of the motor as it roared to life. He lifted off enjoying the ease at which the sleek craft responded to him. A few feet away he heard a load roar as another engine blazed to life and saw a slim sliver air skimmer rising smoothly from the ground: Idira’s vehicle along one side a serpent was painted. Kirk glanced down and saw that members of both gangs were rising off the ground on hoverbikes and air skimmers as they took to the sky to watch the race.

Kirk ignored the crowd and focused on what was to come. He had no desire to lose not because it would mean death. Death didn’t bother him, but losing did. Losing meant he was a failure and he had failed again, and Kirk didn’t believe in failure or No-win scenarios, he couldn’t allow himself to.

The ride to Devil’s Pass was short and exhilarating. Kirk had slid the top of the air skimmer back and the wind was streaming by causing his face to sting. Rather than distract him it focused him. It reminded him he was alive.  When they reached Devil’s Pass the rest of the gang drew back and hovered overhead. Nobody wanted to be too close to the treacherous cliffs or jutting rocks waiting to tumble down. Kirk ignored the jeers and shouts from the others above. He ignored the shouted bets and words of encouragement, it all meant nothing. At that moment it was just him and his reflexes. He would live or ...die by his own hands.

A shout seared the air and Kirk gunned the engine racing forward, dodging past cliffs, making insanely tight turns. The edge of a window scrapped and then was ripped off as a gust of wind slammed him against a cliff. Rocks tumbled down, disturbed by the commotion of the air skimmers and vehicles flying overhead.

The race continued and Kirk was only slight ahead when he felt the vehicle slew to one side. He gripped the controls tightly straining to bring it back on course when it happened again. He glanced to the side and saw Idira’s maniacal grin as the man rammed his vehicle against Kirk’s this time causing a door to be ripped off. Kirk didn’t stop it just meant the air skimmer was lighter and could go all the more faster.

The group overhead wouldn’t have been able to see what had happened to them it would have appeared that Kirk lost control for a few moments. Kirk increased his speed as Idira prepared to slam into him again. If he wanted to try his manoeuvre again he’d have to catch him. They were reaching the last stretch in which most people slowed down. The next mile was incredibly dangerous there was little room for error.

Kirk floored the pedal. He flipped on the radio and was surprised to hear the song playing that had been on the radio when he had taken his father’s car out all those years ago. He turned the music up louder, letting the noise pound through his body. It was like fate. _But in which way? Was it a foreshadowing of death coming to take him under similar circumstances after having been thwarted for years? First by throwing himself from the doomed car and then later countless times as he had survived against all odds. Or was it a sign of victory? The same victory he had felt as a child dirty, scraped but very much alive for the first time._

Kirk dodged through the course through turns that nearly defied human reflexes or skill. He narrowly avoided crashing several times. Idira was slowing down. The man knew how suicidal Kirk’s actions were and obviously for all his talk about how bad he was didn’t wish to die. But he didn’t understand Kirk didn’t care either way, if he won the race or crashed and technically lost either way to him was a win.

As Kirk skimmed past a boulder hurtling toward the air skimmer narrowly missing him, he thought of his funeral and dying. Would anybody care? Would anybody except McCoy even really notice that he was no longer in the world? He thought he already knew the answer to the question.

He shot out past the last marker of Devil’s Pas and Idira’s craft followed barely thirty seconds behind. Both vehicles started toward the ledge they had come from. There was a marked change in both sets of gang members following them. A new found undercurrent of respect could be detected in the _Diabloskar_ underneath a hint of anger and the Reapers were openly displaying their excitement.

When they touched down on the rocky ledge Kirk climbed from his vehicle and tossed the keys to the young man who had let him borrow the vehicle. “I owe you some body work.” Then he turned and faced Idira. “That was a good race but you’re too afraid of taking chances. I think it’s time for you to leave with your tail between your legs.”

Idira couldn’t take the insult to his pride lying down. He scowled and said “You cheated you must have. No human could fly like that unassisted unless they wanted to die.”

He had just hit the nail on the head but he didn’t realise it. Kirk didn’t care about dying.

Kirk didn’t speak though. Instead he turned around and began to walk away. He wasn’t afraid of being shot in the back, that wasn’t the way Idira did things. Plus it wouldn’t help the half-Orion’s damaged image. Idira continued talking. “You may think you won but you didn’t. The money you stole I made back ten times over. The people you freed, I either bought them back or found others and Kali—“ Kirk froze at the mention of the woman who had once been Idira’s girlfriend until he had saved her. He stared at the ground listening but didn’t turn around.

Idira could see he had caught Kirk’s attention. “Kali I made pay for her disloyalty. I found her and had her many times before I killed her. She was just like I remembered too....  She drowned in her own blood slowly... painfully.” Kirk stiffened imperceptibly. Idira leisurely spoke teasing out the words. “She told me all about you before she died. You must have really like her to tell her so much about yourself; then again Kali was always good at getting people to talk so maybe it was just her charm. But she told me about what the tattoo on your shoulder meant. All the lies you told her about your life and she actually believed them. The _puta_ thought you loved her.”

Idira’s voice was as smooth as a serpent. “Before I slit her throat, I showed her how wrong she was. She died knowing the truth about you as everybody should. I watched the light leave her eyes and she died understanding—“

Idira’s words were cut off as Kirk spun around and struck him in the face. The half-Orion man stumbled backwards and then grinned as he straightened up with a trickle of blood flowing down one side of his mouth. Idira’s gang moved to intervene. Idira gestured for them to step back. He stared at Kirk malevolently. “Let’s end this right here and now.... to the death.”

Kirk didn’t speak, but he didn’t back away. They slowly circled each other. Then without warning Idira attacked. While the half-Orion man had anger on his side and body-strength that was roughly at least one and a half times more than an average human. Kirk had something more powerful and that was a desire to make somebody feel as much pain as he did and he didn’t care if he died in the process.

Kirk’s head snapped back and he ran his tongue over the metallic taste of blood spreading through his mouth before retaliating with a blow of his own.  The fight intensified and within a few minutes Kirk had the Orion man on the ground and was pummelling him. Blood flecks were flying through the air and Kirk felt Idira’s jaw break as he sank his fist into the other man’s face. But it wasn’t enough for him. Kirk grabbed the man’s arm and bent it slowly applying resistance until he felt the snap as it broke and heard the sharp crack from the bone and Idira’s muffled cry of pain.

Kirk held onto the arm breaking it further, enjoying the resistance and the screams of pain now accompanying his actions. He grabbed the other arm feeling a sickening pleasure as it wetly snapped in his grip.  Idira was screaming but Kirk didn’t stop. He couldn’t forget the man’s words and felt no pity as he thought of what had been done to Kali...because of him.

A gleaming hint of sliver caught Kirk’s eye and he slid the knife from Idira’s belt. He unsheathed it enjoying the weight in his hands. He traced the knife down one side of Idira’s face cutting his cheek open and causing hot blood to wet his hands. He traced same pattern on the other cheek. Kirk let the knife pause near one of Idira’s eyes just long enough to give the man concern then decided he wanted him to see the one who killed him when he died. He gripped Idira’s lock of hair in his hand forcing the head up and exposing the neck. He got behind him and laid the knife of the Orion man’s throat enjoying the whimper of fear it elicited. “To the death.” Kirk whispered and pressed the knife inward preparing to draw it sharply across the exposed throat and watch the life drain from the man. He was doing this for Kali—He was doing this for all the times he should have killed instead of walking away. He was finishing what he started.

He had killed people before, but he hadn’t enjoyed it. Never in his most high, drunken, or crazed moments had he truly enjoyed it, but now he felt a certain pleasure in his actions. He was frightened of the feeling and yet he welcomed it.

His grip tightened on the knife and it bit into the skin a millisecond before going deeper. Idira whispered “Please.”Kirk paused but didn’t move. Idira repeated through a mouth thick with blood. “Please.”

Kirk flinched at the sound of desperation in the man’s voice and he glanced up. People were staring at him. Some were shouting at him to finish. Others had turned away.  In the faces of all gathered around he saw horror, fear, respect... _and it was all directed at him._  Kirk was suddenly disgusted with himself. He released Idira and straightened up. “Go” he told the man in a voice unlike his own. It was harsh with the knowledge of what he had almost become.

Idira was helped up by two members of his gang and Kirk watched the _Diabloskar_ leave until they had faded into the distance. Then noise broke out that sounded like a cacophony. People were congratulating him, offering him drinks and other things. Several women pressed closer to him openly flirting and getting a little too familiar for his tastes. Kirk let the words, touches and offers wash over him, until he felt a hand slip into his pocket turning him around while another hand was placed on his shoulder. He started until he realized it was the woman from earlier. She grinned up at him and Kirk found himself grinning back. “I’m ready to cash in that rain check. “ He told her.

“Good because I know just what you can buy with it for your victory prize.” Then she kissed him and Kirk slipped his arms under her scooping her up. As he kissed her slowly he tried to forget what he had done and what he had almost become. He closed his eyes letting the sensations he was feeling take over and tried to forget almost doing what he feared.

He feared one thing more than anything else and that was becoming like those he most hated...

_  
_

 

 

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aehf: equivalent to backside or stronger variation in Romulan
> 
> Hatham: Predator in Romulan
> 
> Ssuej-d’ifv : “Do you understand?”
> 
> Hnoiyka: A vicious predatory Romulan animal.
> 
> seikkea kllhe: Romulan curse
> 
> Muni: Orion for blend, mixture.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This scene was deleted because I felt it took away from the flow of the story. And in fact I only thought about writing it in after I had written the story... ;)  
> It was referenced in chapter 12 when Pike ordered McCoy to send Renfield and Relik back in. And this is what resulted in that little conversation.

**Deleted Scene after McCoy leaves Renfield’s office. Pike, Relik and Renfield have a talk.**

Renfield glanced at McCoy as the cadet brushed by her with a face showing single-minded determination. She noted how he barely spared her a glance like her authority was of barely any importance...or like the decision on what Kirk had done had been settled already. Renfield suspected that McCoy’s attitude was related to whatever Pike had told him and inside she seethed. She didn’t like having her authority usurped even if the person who did it outranked her.

She walked back into her office, followed by Professor Relik. She wasn’t the least bit surprised to see Pike still on the viewscreen. Renfield smiled a polite and yet firm smile allowing the smallest hint of her displeasure to show. Pike stared out at her grimly not returning the gesture.

Renfield straightened her already impeccable posture. She had no intention of feeling bad for her actions. Kirk deserved expulsion. She had tried to be understanding of his background. She had given him more chances than anyone else at the academy, but there was something about him that couldn’t do right.

Kirk could be charismatic, intelligent and under other circumstances would be a fine officer. In fact if she was truthful with herself she would have to admit she liked the young man more than a great many cadets at the academy. But Kirk had a dark side. When he was first at the academy he had seemed to either have left it behind or have hidden it for the most part. She could let him off with a warning or minor discipline for his occasional pranks. She could tune out the news of his sporadic fights as long as they weren’t too rowdy.

Most students thought of her as severe but the truth was if she was as severe as they thought, half the students in the academy would have been expelled in their first year. However Kirk had gone too far to overlook. His frequent and almost daily fights and shouting matches had been too much. Showing up to class half-drunk or hung-over, even if his grades didn’t decline had happened too many times. His latest exploits of making a mockery of an incident that was one of the worst events in federation history was the last straw.

She stared at Pike with determination. She didn’t care whether Pike thought of him as his golden boy. Renfield planned to defend her decision to the end, and she was prepared to risk her career for what she believed was right.  Now, Relik was a different matter. She knew the professor liked to be thought-provoking and radical and loved to start debates and issue assignments that led to students around the academy becoming vehemently opposed to each other. His classes had led to several altercations and even a hate-crime that had to be quietly taken care of. Relik had a dislike of Starfleet and enjoyed pointing out its flaws through his classes.

More than one student had dropped out the academy after he had encouraged the individual to pursue more _worthwhile_ endeavours. Relik took no prisoners and after almost twenty-five as an ambassador to the federation he was willing to argue his way through anything whether he was right or wrong. Renfield knew it had long since ceased to be about Kirk, his behaviour, or The Tarsus IV massacre. Relik was determined to have Kirk expelled, because he was determined to get his way.

Pike spoke; his eyes were centred on the professor. “You’re Professor Relik?”

Relik appeared slightly taken back at being directly addressed but said “Yes, I am captain and If that young man McCoy has told you anything, I want you to know that he’s Kirk’s friends and will—“

“I remember you from when you were an ambassador.” Pike interrupted ignoring the words Relik had said.

Relik said. “Excuse me captain?”

“You always were too narrow minded to see anything else when you thought you had the answer. Numerous conflicts and wars resulted from your inability to compromise or admit you were wrong. How you stayed an ambassador so long I’ll never understand.”

Relik’s face was red but he squared his shoulders and said. “You’re the one who can’t admit he’s wrong. You recruited an aggressive lunatic, who thinks making a joke about a god-damn massacre is funny! You—“

“Cadet Kirk would never joke about something like Tarsus IV.” Pike said quietly but with definitive conviction.

“Then explain why he—“

“I’m not explaining anything to you. If I did you’d either not believe me or more likely use the information for your own gains.”

Relik was apoplectic.

Pike continued. “You don’t have Starfleet’s or any of these cadets best interest at heart. You would love to make a mockery of the whole institution if you could. So I’m going to tell you right now, there’s a teaching position on Centaurus. I suggest you take it. Because come hell or high water, I will see you out of this academy.”

“You can’t force me out! Just because you’re a captain doesn’t mean you can legislate what goes on everywhere. Kirk was obviously unbalanced and he’s going---“ Relik shouted.

Pike interrupted and his voice was deadly quiet. “Professor Relik I suggest you take an early retirement from this job and go collect a nice pension that you don’t deserve while you live a relatively obscure life. Or some things you don’t want found out will soon be common knowledge.”

“What are you talking about!” Relik said trying to sound angry and innocent simultaneously.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Relik and Pike stared at each other. Relik opened his mouth and closed it. Renfield saw him glance at her before turning back to Pike. “Captain I want you to know that my decision to stay or leave this academy will not be based on threats, but my desire to no longer be involved in an institution that is willing to turn a blind eye to so many incidents.” Then Relik turned on heel and left.

When the door slid shut behind him. Renfield glared at Pike letting the captain know she wasn’t afraid of him. _If he thought he was going to force her out, he had better think again._

Renfield spoke” Captain Pike, I respect your record and you as a person and truthfully Relik leaving this academy will be good for everybody involved. However I dislike you blackmailing him into leaving. I want you to know that you’re not right about Kirk.” Renfield paused she was a little surprised Pike hadn’t interrupted her. He was watching her inscrutably.

She took a deep breath and continued. “Kirk has potential and he could have been a great officer and possibly captain, but he’s too labile, too reckless. Recently things have gotten way out of hand. I understand the _Kelvin_ was disturbing him but it seems like he can’t get over it. And if he can’t he’s not really fit to be in Starfleet.”

She paused to see if Pike was going to speak when he didn’t she continued. “I’ve given him every chance, counselling, overlooking his actions numerous times, but today was the last straw.” She stopped and braced herself for Pike to tear into her.

Pike merely said. “Well Renfield still as opinionated and determined as ever.” Renfield blushed. Pike continued “I remember when you were a young ensign trying to convince me you weren’t the one who had changed all the locks on deck A and changed the lights to strobes. “There was a small smile on Pike’s face.

Renfield was unprepared for Relik’s response. She blushed further then said “Sir, you may be my superior but you need to take me seriously. I will not roll over and let you do what you want.”

“Good, I don’t expect you too.” Before Renfield could reply. Pike glanced down at a data PADD in his hand and changed the subject. “So Kirk was going to counselling in the past few weeks, with who?”

He didn’t wait for Renfield to respond Pike abruptly leaned off screen and she heard him answer his own question. “Hmm, Ponte.”

“I take it you know him.” Renfield hadn’t missed Pike’s tone.

“Unfortunately yes.” Pike reappeared and asked “the sessions haven’t helped I suspect?”

“No, they haven’t.”Renfield answered. “But I’ve tried to give Kirk chances. I’ve tried to be lenient in terms of the _Kelvin_ but if it is getting to him this bad and that event was years ago, how’s he going to handle something when it happens to him in the present? I’m sorry sir but he’s not fit for Starfleet.”

Pike surprised her yet again by saying. “I agree with you Renfield. If that was bothering him for all this time he shouldn’t be in Starfleet but _the_ _Kelvin_ is not the problem.”

“What?” Renfield moved closer to Pike. “Is there something I’m not aware of that’s going on here Captain? Because I---“

“What I’m about to tell you will break at least ten separate non-disclosure agreements. It’s information only the highest officials in Starfleet are privy to.... them and those who were actually there. I’d like nothing that I’m about to say can leave this room. Don’t even ask Kirk about it.”

“Why would I ask Kirk---“ She stopped as she thought about what Pike had said and realised that she was about to find the real reason for Kirk’s behaviour and apparently it was a lot different than she had thought.

Pike stared at her with eyes that were darkly serious. Then he began. “The only people who know the full truth are the survivors, but I’m going to tell you what I know because once you find out you’ll change your opinion.”

Renfield didn’t interrupt as Pike paused to take a breath. Pike started. “Kirk’s been through things and seen things, you and I can’t begin to understand. When he was young he survived one of the worst events the Federation has ever known. I came at the end and by then I had already seen a lot as a Starfleet officer...Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw then.”

His face changed and a dark shadow flitted through his expression. Pike glanced away then turned back to Renfield and said “I try to forget what I saw and I wasn’t there for long. Kirk’s never going to forget. He was there for months. ”

“What happened?”

“Kirk is one of the Tarsus 9.” Pike replied quietly. Renfield gasped.

“What? How can that be possible?” Renfield sat down at her desk; her mind was whirling as everything suddenly seemed to fit together.

“When he was about thirteen his mother sent him to stay on Tarsus IV with family. He was there when the famine started and Kodos overthrew the government. He saw his family killed. He somehow wound up with a group of kids and became their impromptu leader.  Kodos’ troops captured him and interrogated him for several days; we’re not sure exactly how long.”

Renfield didn’t want to believe any of what she was hearing. But she already did. “Why did Kodos want him? That doesn’t make sense. I can understand killing him, but torture?”

“Kodos was somewhat sadistic. And Kirk was friend’s prior to the famine with a student that is now a prominent scientist. He’s one of the survivors so I won’t mention his name, but Kirk noticed some aspect of the student’s research that pointed to the food supply being damaged long before the massacre. He stumbled upon information that proved the famine was caused by a manufactured organism. He tried to warn people but it was too late...Kirk was tortured because he had hidden away the information that would have implicated Kodos, that and Kodos couldn’t take being defied.”

“So it was all a lie? The statement Starfleet released to the media was false. Kodos knew and wanted the famine to happen?”

“Correct, it was part of his eugenics program.” Pike replied grimly.

“Bastard.” Renfield whispered, between dry lips.

Pike nodded in agreement then spoke again. “Kirk held out for a long time. He didn’t ever tell. When we searched the compound we found him in a cell. He was so skinny and every inch of his body was covered in cuts and bruised. He just stared at us and I could see without him saying a word that they hadn’t stopped at only beating him...”

Renfield swallowed back her revulsion and forced herself to continue listening.

Pike’s voice was cold and his face was very pale. His eyes stared out unseeing as he continued. “He was standing naked covered in filth. His ribs were showing through his skin. He just stared at us with these blank eyes....I couldn’t understand how anybody could do this to a kid. We got him unshackled and we asked him his name finally he whispered ‘Jimmy’.”

Renfield felt tears gathering in her eyes and she let them flow. Pike continued inexorably “We got him medical treatment. It turned out some of the other kids were alive, but very few. Physically Jimmy was okay afterwards. But if you tried talking to him he flinched, he wouldn’t eat unless you forced him, he would wake up with nightmares....”

Pike cleared his throat and Renfield saw him bend over looking at something as an excuse to wipe his eyes before he finished. “Kirk came back to earth to stay with his mother. I lost track of him for a while. I thought he’d be okay with Winona, but it didn’t turn out like that. I finally met him again in a bar in Iowa. And beneath all those layers I saw somebody who needed to prove themselves and who would do anything to make a difference.... I knew he would be good for Starfleet.  He was willing to do whatever he needed so Tarsus IV wouldn’t happen again.” Pike added in an almost silent whisper. “Plus ...I felt guilty for not keeping my promise.”

Renfield didn’t ask about the promise. It was obvious Pike didn’t want to talk about it. But she said almost halfway to herself “So, everything’s that’s gone on has been related to the assignment on Tarsus, Kirk can’t deal with mentions of it.”

“Tell me have people been making jokes or talking about what they _think_ happened?”

Several occasions in which students had done just that flashed through her mind and she nodded reluctantly mentally chastising herself for not saying something more to the cadets for their behaviour.

“It’s not Tarsus and mentions of it which are bothering him. It’s the casual comments and the conversations which are forcing him to relieve it.... Kirk still has nightmares about it. I know because when his first roommate asked to be reassigned he said it was because Kirk was crying out during the night.” Pike said dryly.”Apparently Kirk’s new roommate voiced similar complaints but then said he didn’t care because he usually spent his nights with someone else.”

Renfield wiped her eyes and said “So if he’s one of the Tarsus 9, the paper he wrote was ....”

“True—“ Pike added. “His friend McCoy was telling the truth.”

“I’m so stupid.” Renfield said shaking her head.

  
“No you aren’t. There was no way anybody could have known really. Kirk would have never told you. That he even wrote the paper says something about his mental state.” Pike’s tone changed quality from comforting to command steel. “That’s why I need you to find him. Don’t be obvious if he knows guards are searching for him you’ll never find him. To tell you the truth McCoy has a better chance than all of us, but Kirk needs to be found before he does something he’ll regret.”

“Like what?”

 “This is Kirk we’re talking about. I really don’t know exactly.” Pike voice had a tinge of humour but he had a sad expression on his face. Renfield thought he was about to sign off, but instead he added. “And Renfield stop the counselling sessions with Ponte. There’s somebody off campus with the security clearance needed who he can see when he’s ready. Also I think you can smooth over the paper incident—these past few weeks would be a great time for him to have contracted a disease that alters your thinking if you get my drift.”

Renfield nodded. “Understood sir”

“Thanks.” Pike was about to sign off then something else occurred to him. “Oh, and if Relik has anything valuable around make sure it’s secured.”

Renfield nodded again though she wasn’t sure she would follow the last instruction. Pike gave a half-smile one last time and said “It’s nice talking to you again.”

“Likewise sir.” She paused then said “Do you want me to call you when we find Kirk?”

Pike gave a very real smile this time and chuckled slightly. “No need Renfield...I’ll already know.” Then he clicked off.

Renfield stared at the blank viewscreen for a few more seconds then shook her head. Pike was one of  the most enigmatic people she had ever met. She was still shaking her head as she began executing his orders.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final deleted scene of WOR. Basically it details what happened after the events of the story. In this scene Pike has a conversation with Kirk and Kirk starts to get back on the right path.

 It was lunchtime. The messhall was filled with cadets of all shapes, sizes and species. The odour of numerous alien dishes pervaded the air.  Cadets were busy talking about what had happened that day. Two cadets were the only ones who didn’t feel the need to even offer a comment. One because he was busy trying to catch on studying that had been disrupted by trying over the past week and a half to figure out why his friend had suddenly gone crazy and half-suicidal. The other cadet wasn’t joining in the conversation for two reasons. The first being the effort to even attempt to eat a bite of food was hard enough without having to intersperse mouthfuls with conversation. And the second reason was he was the topic of conversation.

 “I wish I was dead.”

McCoy glanced up from his data Padd which he had propped against a glass at the person who had spoken. It was Kirk. He was leaning over a picked at bowl of food, with a fork dangling limply in one hand as he supported his head in the other hand. 

“I feel like shit“ Kirk muttered before laying his fork down and groaning again. He didn’t look like he felt any better than he had when McCoy had found him that morning locked in a toilet stall heaving from a massive hangover, but McCoy refused to show any outward sympathy to Kirk. “Jim stop complaining this is your own fault.”

Kirk picked his head up from where he had laid it on the table and said “I hate you. You’re enjoying this aren’t you?”

“Do I enjoy you moaning and groaning every five minutes about a hangover you caused and being an irritable asshole? No, I--“

Kirk cut him off. “Yes, you do enjoy this. Now you can say I told you so. And I could see you liked telling that fucking gossip of a nurse I have Andorian meningitis. And why did it have to be a rare kind too!” Kirk straightened up and said “You’ve ruined my life.”

“I’ve ruined your life?” McCoy took a bite of his sandwich and swallowed before continuing. “Well pardon me for trying to come up with a reason for you acting like an idiot the past few days to keep you from being _expelled._ ” McCoy finished in a whisper to avoid being overheard as a group of cadets passed there table.

“Whatever, you ruined my life still, especially my love life. Did you see the way that nurse looked at me?” Kirk pointed a finger at McCoy. “ _You_ knew there were only two ways for me to have gotten that form of meningitis! And nobody is going to believe I got bitten by a Tessari beetle this far from Andor when they can’t survive off world.”

“So, everybody will assume the logical conclusion. Is it my fault if your reputation precedes you? This is actually good for you, the way you were going you were going to get a major disease before you were even in your late twenties, and this will force you to put some brakes on.” McCoy popped a chip into his mouth and chewed as he watched Kirk.

Kirk who had laid his head back on the table, glared at McCoy and snarled “Fuck you Bones!” He sat up abruptly causing him to wince.

McCoy saw the expression of pain flit across his friend’s face and the doctor’s grin faded slightly as he asked. “Your headache any better?”

“A little.” Kirk said , but McCoy could see by his face he was lying. Before McCoy could speak, all traces of humour disappeared from Kirk’s face and he just looked tired.  Kirk rubbed his eyes and held his head in his hands for a moment before looking up and speaking. “I’d rather you hadn’t said anything Bones. I know you wanted to help me, but isn’t it obvious? I’m too far gone.”

McCoy started to say. “Jim--.”

“Let me finish. Then I have to... go.” Kirk’s face had turned an ugly shade of gray and McCoy saw that he was repeatedly swallowing. “You’re just postponing the inevitable. Renfield or someone else will figure out you’re lying and then I’m still expelled. The only difference is now they’ll punish you for lying and basically falsifying an entire medical record.” Kirk paused to swallow sharply and then finished miserably. “You should have left well enough alone.”

McCoy was silent thinking of what Kirk had said. It was true that the doctor had fabricated an entire record stating Kirk had Andorian Meningitis and he had told a particularly gossipy nurse ensuring the lie would spread throughout campus. There was numerous inquires as to whether the disease was contagious, and people readily assuming the disease was the cause of Kirk’s bizarre behaviour over the past few weeks. However many cadets weren’t believing the lie and had openly expressed their disgust at Kirk attempting to get away with something else.  The faculty was spilt too, a good percentage was willing to consider the extenuating circumstances and the other percentage was firmly demanding Kirk’s head on a silver platter.

But McCoy was noticing the comments against Kirk were diminishing as the day progressed, probably because there was more to talk about. First, Professor Relik had announced that he was retiring within the months. That alone had drawn some of the attention away from Kirk. Relik had always said he would retire only when he was dead. Second, the damage in the faculty garage was discovered and somebody (McCoy was sure it was Pike) had managed to avoid word being released that only Relik’s vehicles were damaged which would have casted suspicion irrevocably on Kirk.

Even with the other topics to discuss though Kirk was still the main one.  And between the comments and the odd stares it had been a hard day for Kirk. Everybody had thought he would be gone by morning but Kirk had come to class (stubbornly refusing the doctor’s excuse McCoy had offered to write him). Albeit he looked like he was about to die and as soon as the class was over had rushed to the nearest disposal chute.

As McCoy’s lies spread a lot of the cadets fell silent at finding the supposed truth. And McCoy had to admit Kirk’s haggard appearance had given more credence to McCoy’s fabricated diagnosis than any rumours could. The cadets had cooled off a bit. Kirk and McCoy were walking towards Navigation class when a cadet stopped them in the hall. The man had a tear-stained face and looked like he had a rough night. The man stared at Kirk who had suddenly frozen.

Kirk had given a strangled gasp and the blood drained from his face as the man had began apologizing profusely.  McCoy hadn’t understood the words at first. The cadet was talking too fast and half-crying.  From the few words that were understandable, McCoy finally understood what was going on when he made out the word Sami. McCoy had glanced at Kirk who appeared either about to be sick or faint or maybe both. Then the doctor grabbed the cadet he understood now was Gestalt and firmly but gently told the man that Kirk had been out of his mind yesterday with fever and while he was sorry about his loss he had no idea what he was talking about. McCoy dragged Kirk away, leaving a confused Gestalt staring after them.

They had gone to Navigation class and Kirk hadn’t said a word but halfway through class McCoy had turned to find Kirk’s seat deserted. After excusing himself from class and a quick search McCoy found Kirk sitting in a deserted corner of a courtyard trying again to get drunk.

A stern lecture and half dragging Kirk through two more classes had ended with McCoy and Kirk in the messhall eating lunch.

McCoy thought of all that happened that day and then said. “Jim, I don’t care if they expel me. Hell you think I want to go to this place if the little asshole who also happens to be my best friend is expelled. I’ll walk out in protest.” McCoy added. “Plus you’re not going to be expelled. Renfield won’t go through with it, you’ll see.”

Kirk stared at McCoy in disbelief and then said “Okay and why is that?” When McCoy didn’t answer. Kirk snorted and said as he began to rise from his seat. “Exactly you can’t tell the fuck why. Because you’re lying to yourself. I’m gone it’s just a matter of time.”

McCoy considered his conversation with Pike and then decided it wouldn’t do any harm to tell Kirk about what had happened. He had opened his mouth to speak when he noticed a security guard weaving her way through the crowded messhall and neatly sidestepping two cadets with laden trays to finally stop in front of Kirk and McCoy.

Kirk had turned to watch and muttered “I told you so.”

The security guard spoke without preamble. “Mr. Kirk I need you to come with me.”

“Can I pack first?” Kirk said resignedly.

“I need you to come with me now.” The woman said.

To the guard’s surprise Kirk didn’t reply with a quick remark, or a sarcastic comment. Instead he slowly straightened up and glanced at McCoy before turning to follow the guard, a hopeless expression on his face.

McCoy hurried along after them, ignoring the curious stares of cadets in the now silent messhall. “Where are you taking him?” He asked.

The guard glanced back at McCoy and seemed to consider not answering before saying curtly. “He’s wanted in Renfield’s office.

“For what?”

The guard glared at McCoy but didn’t answer. McCoy asked again more desperately this time. Kirk quietly, but firmly said. “Let it go Bones. Okay?’

McCoy fell silent at the expression on Kirk’s face but he couldn’t stop wondering had Pike been wrong. He had seemed like he could fix everything but he was light-years away. _How much could he fix really?_

When they reached Renfield’s office, the guard stopped and Kirk squared his shoulders and walked in. McCoy followed even though nobody had said he could come along. Renfield was sitting behind her desk apparently talking to someone on her comm. unit. She glanced up as they entered. Her eyes noted Kirk standing rigidly in front of her before skating over McCoy who was lingering near the door doing his best to be unobtrusive. He was fully aware he wasn’t supposed to be there but he was unwilling to let Kirk face whatever was about to happen alone.

Renfield stared at McCoy just long enough to make him uncomfortable then let her gaze settle back on Kirk. “Good you’re here.”

She didn’t speak again and after a minute of silence Kirk said “You wanted to speak with me?”

“No. There’s someone else who wanted to speak with you.” Kirk’s expression turned confused and he glanced around the room. Renfield had a hint of a smile as she stood and turned the screen towards Kirk.  McCoy was surprised to see Pike on the viewscreen. But his surprise was nothing to the shock that washed over Kirk. The colour drained from Kirk’s face as Pike stared at him. Renfield started towards the door as she passed Kirk she said “I’ll let you two talk.”

She paused near McCoy momentarily like she was unsure whether to insist he come with her; then she glanced at the viewscreen briefly and back at McCoy before giving an almost imperceptible shrug and leaving the room.

He tried to pull it together. “Captain Pike what can I do for you sir?” Kirk said after clearing his throat.

Pike didn’t speak immediately when he did it was in a voice of deadly calm. “Son, I heard what’s happened at the academy these past few days and I’d like to know what the hell your problem is.”

McCoy’s mouth fell open, but Pike didn’t even glance his way. Though he could tell Pike was aware of his presence. He couldn’t understand Pike’s harsh tones, he knew about Kirk as much as McCoy did. _So why was he acting like he didn’t?_

“I-I-Uh—“ Kirk paused and glanced at McCoy before turning back to Pike and saying. “I had Andorian Meningitis, the Tessari strain and I wasn’t really in my right mind so whatever you heard I’m not really responsible for. I—“

“Bullshit“ McCoy’s eyes widened and Kirk made a strangled sound at Pike’s calm single word sentence. The older man continued. “ Kirk, that lie may work for half the academy but don’t stand here and insult my intelligence with that shit. I can see you’re not sick with Andorian Meningitis. You’re hungover from probably spending last night and several nights before that so drunk you couldn’t think.”

Kirk swallowed convulsively.

Pike was still speaking. “I may be light-years away but I’ve been keeping an eye on you.”

“You have ....Sir?” Kirk asked in a horrified voice like somebody had told him they had been filming him naked and were about to post it on the interlink.

“I have. And I’m well aware of your exploits both on campus and ...off campus.”

“Off campus?  I didn’t really do—“

“Do you really think you’re the only person who has contacts in the underworld Kirk?” Pike asked matter-of factly. “You shouldn’t associate with criminals who have long track records and open mouths. A certain half-Romulan was quite informative.”

Pike settled back in his chair watching Kirk.

Kirk hastened to say defensively. “I may have done some stuff but I can explain. “ Kirk paused unsure how he was going to explain. He didn’t want to tell Pike, it was bad enough that McCoy knew the truth.

He was spared speaking by Pike saying. “No you can’t explain.” Pike continued.”Son you can’t give me one god-damn excuse for your behaviour that’s remotely acceptable, because no matter what people are saying or doing you are in control of your actions. Nobody can provoke you to do anything; you make the choice to do it.”

Kirk was perfectly silent and still.

Pike paused before adding. “Whatever they were saying that was reminding of the past you want to get away from you have no excuse. I know it’s hard to get over some of the things that happened when you were younger but you can’t let it break you.”

Kirk was turning even paler if that was possible at Pike’s words. McCoy saw a hint of fear cross Kirk’s eyes. He glanced at McCoy accusingly, clearly wondering had McCoy told Pike. Then McCoy saw the hint of suspicion disappear as he probably assumed Pike had found out on his own. Kirk was breathing fast as he gasped “Y-y-you know?...How can you know?” Kirk repeated “How can you know?”

Pike didn’t answer he stared at Kirk like he was considering something before he said. “I know it was something brought up in one of your classes that’s getting to you. “ Kirk swayed and looked like he was about to faint. His legs trembled and a flash of concern crossed Pike’s face as he said “Sit down Kirk.”

Kirk dropped heavily into a chair. He felt dizzy, his palms were sweaty. He couldn’t understand how Pike could know. Very few people in the galaxy knew the identity of the Tarsus 9; Pike’s security clearance wasn’t high enough to know.  Kirk glanced at McCoy vaguely wondering again had he told him. But that didn’t make sense. _When would McCoy have had a chance to talk to Pike?_

He stared back at the viewscreen trying to figure out how the older man who was staring at him with concern and was that...pity, could possibly know. Kirk swallowed and glanced away, Pike was speaking but Kirk couldn’t listen. Pike’s voice and face was bringing back a memory he desperately wanted to forget.  He could understand why, but Pike’s face now seemed  too familiar .His face was familiar from a time long ago...

_The door was opening. Kirk glanced up staring out at the people in the doorway. They were dressed in a uniforms. The uniforms were familiar but he couldn’t remember from where and after a moment he gave up trying. It wasn’t important anyway. He tried to let his mind blank and he dragged himself to his feet and waited for what they would do to him.  They simply stared at him for a moment in horrified curiosity and then it occurred to him he had never seen them before._

_He couldn’t summon the energy to feel embarrassed at their stares. He knew how he must look thin, naked, and dirty but he didn’t care; it didn’t matter. Nothing did anymore. Nothing but never telling and waiting for the pain to end. Not just for a few minutes or hours but permanently. He could feel in his body that would be soon, maybe the people staring at him would be the ones to finally end it._

_One of them asked a question...his name. He didn’t answer. They already knew his name. They always did. It was just an exercise in power to ask again. He didn’t trust them, he knew they were fake. A person moved a little closer and asked “What’s your name son?”_

Kirk dragged himself from the remnant of memory. His eyes were suddenly damp. Pike was still staring at him, then the older man spoke and it was like he had made a decision. He said very deliberately. “What happened long ago with your father, you can’t allow to shape your life.” Kirk started at the sentence and Pike saw his shoulders relax. Pike glanced at McCoy and the doctor realised that Pike hadn’t been talking about the Kelvin when he had first started but instead had changed mid conversation.

Pike continued. “I knew your father and he wouldn’t have wanted a son like you.” McCoy gasped at the harsh comment. The captain was already speaking again. “He wouldn’t have wanted a son that would throw away his life because it wasn’t easy. He would have wanted you to better than the trials that challenge you not let them break you.”

There was a gentleness that only McCoy detected under Pike’s stern tone. Kirk was breathing raggedly and shaking slightly. “He didn’t give his life for you to throw yours away. He gave his so you could live.”

Pike fell silent and held Kirk’s gaze for several seconds. When he continued it was in an even sterner tone but with a slight hint of a father’s caring but stern chastisement.“You have everything it takes to become something that not only everybody else but you also can be proud of. But only if you take everything that’s happened to you and use it to build you into what you are destined to become, not let it destroy you.”

‘Yes, sir.” Kirk said in a voice that was raw with the effort of containing his emotions. His shoulders were hitching in harsh gasps.

“I want you to succeed, probably at this point more than you want yourself to. I want you to make a difference, like I know you can.” Pike’s voice grew sterner still. “But if you ever do anything like you’ve done these past few weeks. Kirk, I will not only draw up papers expelling you myself, but I will find you in whatever bar you’re trying to drown your sorrows in and kick your ass for fucking up your life. Understand?”

“Perfectly sir.” Kirk managed to say.

McCoy stared at his friend, who wasn’t paying him any attention. Kirk looked better and yet worse. His posture had changed from hopeless resignation. His voice was less miserable but it was obvious Pike’s words had dragged him through a mixed trail of emotions. His expression was similar to the way it had been earlier when Gestalt had confronted him in the hallway.

“Good Kirk...You’re dismissed son.” Pike’s voice was unyielding and yet still gentle.

Kirk quickly stood up and briefly gave Pike a salute, before turning away. McCoy saw tears starting to fall as he quickly walked toward a door and left the room.

There was silence for a few seconds in which McCoy realised Kirk hadn’t left the room entirely but had disappeared into the office’s adjoining bathroom. Both Pike and McCoy heard the sound of a strangled sob filter through the door Kirk had left through followed by the muffled sound of somebody being sick.

McCoy turned back toward the screen to find Pike staring at him.  “You think I was too hard on him.” It wasn’t a question Pike had asked, but McCoy let his face show the answer to Pike’s statement anyway.

Pike sighed at McCoy’s glared accusation. Suddenly the captain looked a lot older than he probably was. “I could have told Kirk, what I knew about him. I could have been really nice to him and basically let him off on everything, but he doesn’t need pity.”

“He doesn’t need you to treat him like you did either. Psychologically speaking...”

“Dr. McCoy I’m right about Kirk. When we’re talking about him the latest psychobabble doesn’t even apply.” McCoy bristled at the remark but Pike ignored the doctor’s affront and added. “I know Kirk; he doesn’t need pity and he wouldn’t accept it anyway. He needs somebody to push him farther than he’s willing to go on his own. He needs somebody to care about him when he doesn’t care about himself... He needs somebody to be there for him, but not hold his hand.”

The captain closed his eyes monetarily and when he opened his eyes seemed to be staring into the past. “... His father would have done that and I’m not his father but I’m going to do my best to help him. ...I owe George that at least.”

McCoy was silent thinking about what Pike had said then asked. “Why didn’t you tell Kirk you knew about him being one of the Tarsus 9?”

“I didn’t tell him because you don’t know how I know about him. The circumstances of his first meeting with me aren’t pleasant and right now he doesn’t need to remember that. At this point it’ll do more harm than good.”

McCoy was curious to know how Pike knew Kirk but sensed that it was something he didn’t want to hear.  He had heard enough after Kirk’s drunken stories from early that morning. And judging from the way Kirk had reacted to thinking Pike knew his past ,it apparently wasn’t anything he wanted to know.

There was silence and McCoy realised the noise from the bathroom had ceased.

Pike noticed the complete silence too. He said “Keep an eye on him McCoy. He really needs a friend.”

“I will sir.”

The older man nodded in acknowledgment of the doctor’s words then the screen blanked. McCoy heard a flush and Kirk emerged form the bathroom looking pale.  He glanced immediately at the viewscreen with a slightly fearful and hopeful expression. When he noticed it was blank he turned to McCoy and simply stared at the doctor.

“You okay Jim?’

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Kirk muttered glancing again towards the blank viewscreen. After a few seconds he turned back towards Bones and said “Is that true Bones?”

“Is what true Jim?”

“That I’ll make a difference like my father.”

“I don’t think Pike said you would make a difference like your father.” McCoy said wondering how Kirk had got that out the conversation.

“He didn’t exactly but that’s what he meant.” Kirk stared at McCoy with a hint of desperation in his eyes. “I can’t do that Bones. I can’t make a difference like saving almost a thousand people, I can’t do it.”

“Jim you don’t have to worry about it I don’t think you’ll make a difference like your father...” Kirk appeared startled at McCoy words and maybe a little hurt. But the doctor was already continuing with a hint of humour. “Since when have you ever followed somebody else’s lead? You’ll make a difference Jim but it’ll...be like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last deleted scene...The alternate ending will be published a bit later...


End file.
